Maniac’s Mountain: Puppy Stream of Consciousness

Today we welcome a new character to Maniac’s Mountain: Fred the puppy. For maximum enjoyment, it is recommended that the following piece be read out loud to a friend with a sense of humor, or a dog.

Puppy stream of consciousness:

OK, yippee we’re going out. Maniac says pee. Have to remember to pee. Oh wait there’s a leaf. Better pick it up and carry it over here. Hey, a stick. I found a stick. Wait, aren’t I suppose to be doing something? What was it? Oh goody, a squirrel. Hi squirrel! Come play with me. Ooo look there’s a rock. I wonder why there are so many rocks. And leaves. What was that Maniac? Pee? Why? Did you see the squirrel, oh my there’s a bird. Hey, why are we outside? How about if I come sit on your foot? I like to look at you. If I think hard enough you’ll give me a cookie. There’s cookies in your pocket. There’s cookies on the table inside. Hey, where’s Otis? How come he’s not outside? Now what was I suppose to do? Oh yeah, find the stick. No maybe that was after the other thing I was supposed to do. Did God make cats? Why would he do that? I like cat food. Maniac doesn’t like me to like cat food. Oops, wait a second – whoosh – ahhh – that felt really good. Oh thanks Maniac, yeah I know I’m a good boy. Why am I a good boy? Because I peed? When did I pee? Ooh look a leaf. I like leaves. I wonder could leaves turn into cookies. Wait what’s that smell? Let me walk in a circle for a bit. OK, my butt feels heavy. What does that mean? What should I do? Hey bird. Come play with me. Look an ant. What was that about my butt? Hey watch me Maniac – I’m squatting and pooping. Oh boy that was a good stinky one…squirrel, leaf, bird….
Hey why are we going in? I thought I was supposed to pee.
Written by the award-winning columnist Mark Jamison (aka “Maniac”) of Jackson County, NC, Maniac’s Mountain features many of the characters that populate Jamison’s rural life — human or animal. PPNC Exclusive columns feature the outrageously fearless foursome of Maniac, Otis the three-legged dog, Fred the puppy, Mellow the feline, and Spooky Cat. Most columns arrive in the wee hours by email, and are kept as true-to-email-form as possible; thus they carry a standing“potentially X-rated” warning.
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